It's Not You It's Him: An absolutely hilarious and feel-good romantic comedy by Sophie Ranald

Author:Sophie Ranald
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781786819291
Publisher: Bookouture

Fifteen

When I got to work on Monday morning, a week later, Felicity was already at her desk, her computer powered up and a glass of what looked like pond slime next to her. I said a bright and breezy good morning, and asked how her weekend had been.

‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Quiet. I spent a lot of time in the gym.’

‘In the gym? Really?’ As far as I knew, my colleague’s idea of healthy living didn’t extend very far beyond the occasional hot yoga class and kicking off brunch with a virgin mary before hitting the fizz.

‘Yup.’ She took a sip of the slime and grimaced.

‘What the hell is that stuff?’

‘It’s the High Fidelity Power Protein shake. Tastes fucking rank, but I expect I’ll get used to it by about week three of the programme.’

‘What programme?’ I sipped my cappuccino and switched on my own computer.

‘You haven’t heard of Fidel Blake? I’m amazed – he’s got, like, two million followers on Insta. Although of course he only takes on a select number of new clients. A few of Pru’s friends use him. Bettina lost a stone and a half and two dress sizes in the first three weeks.’

A stone and a half in three weeks. The numbers on my app had stayed the same for a while now; I’d been a bit lax about entering all my daily calories and I remembered I hadn’t even stepped on the scale that morning. I’d been feeling okay about it – good, even, like the monster in my head had retreated for the moment to leave me in peace. But hearing Felicity’s words made it prick up its ears and stir, knotting my stomach with guilt and anxiety and spoiling the taste of my milky coffee.

‘What does he do?’

‘Works miracles, obviously.’ Felicity laughed and sipped some more slime. ‘I’ve gone for the Elite Ripped package. Three personal training sessions a week with Fidel, all my meals and shakes delivered and motivational calls to keep me going whenever I need them. But there are lower-tier deals, too. Like, you can download a personalised training schedule and upload pics of your food before you eat it and he tells you if it’s okay.’

‘It sounds hardcore,’ I said.

‘Well, it gets results. Especially the programme I’m doing. It’s called the Ten-Week Accelerator. If my body fat isn’t down below twenty per cent by the end, I get my money back.’

Intrigued in spite of myself, I asked, ‘How much does it cost? And what do you get to eat?’

‘Fidel doesn’t come cheap,’ Felicity admitted. ‘But obviously everything’s included in the seven hundred pounds a week.’

‘Seven hundred…?’ Well. Even if I hadn’t known what a terrible idea it would be for me, I knew now that Felicity’s regime was as far beyond my reach as bench-pressing my own body weight. Even what my body weight would be after completing Fidel Blake’s Elite Ripped Ten-Week Accelerator programme.

‘So for the first four days I don’t eat anything,’ Felicity carried on, glancing at

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